Challenging Children

Truancy

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A concerned father asked how to handle his daughter's truanting from school.

With permission, we feature an edited transcript of his email discussion with Sue.

Hi Sue, I am a single father, divorced. Do you know of a support group for parents of children who refuse to go to school? Especially when the local education authority is threatening to take court action. Just how do you compel a fifteen year old daughter to attend school short of physical violence? It seems to me there is little you can do. I would appreciate your comments. Hi D. The government has put a lot of money into Truancy Buster Awards to help promote innovative truancy schemes in schools and there are plans for a website later this year. I'll post more information when it becomes available. In the meantime you could try these websites : http://www.yourteen.com/http://www.parentingadolescents.com. You could also try your local Gingerbread Group - you will find other single fathers there. Court action is mainly taken if parents are not seen to be getting involved in working through a plan to get the child back into school and the average fine imposed by Magistrates is currently around £20 - unless you don't turn up in which case the maximum fine has recently been increased to over £2000! Some counties offer special projects. For example, you may find some inspiration from Leeds. There is an increasing emphasis on mentoring. Another alternative is withdrawing your child from school and opting for home schooling. (See our Home Schooling section). So much depends on your child, the circumstances, the school. Have you been able to find out why your child is truanting? The underlying reason??? Is any bullying going on that no-one wants to talk about? Is it linked to feelings of failure at school? Or just plain adolescent needs for control, rebellion, etc??? D : Your comments are most reassuring. I believe you may have put your finger on it when you ask if it is linked to feelings of failure at school, coupled perhaps with plain old adolescent rebellion. I am working through this with the local Education Welfare Officer and co-operating with her suggestions. But these people are quite ready to point out the dire consequences of non-conformity, while not really being able to offer a working solution to the problem. That makes me feel a bit cross! Someone I know has been through a similar experience with his daughter, again following a divorce. Unfortunately the whole thing caused him a breakdown, brought on by the heavy handedness of the Education Welfare people, and lack of friends to offer support. So you can see how valuable your response has been. Sue : That's sad to hear. Have you asked your daughter what she wants? What she would like to do instead? Or perhaps she doesn't want a solution if the thrill is in the rebellion??? I read a great 'quote' today which made me sit up and think. Long-term planning is not about making long-term decisions. It is about understanding the future consequences of today's decisions. Try that one on her when she is feeling in a good mood! Young women at this age need a lot of good attention from their dads - role models for later relationships. The important thing is not to get sucked into her chaos. Be assertive ie consistent and clear. It's for your sake/sanity as much as hers! Just keep the faith and she'll be able to see you as a sturdy rock when all about her was crumbling. Even though it might be another 20 years from now before it clicks!!! Also, can you remember the good little girl that she was as a toddler or at primary school - when was her shining moment? - she's still in there somewhere and may want to come out and play again one day! D : Thanks, Sue. I've had another meeting with the Education Welfare Officer this evening, together with my daughter and was able to use some of the ideas you sparked off. In fact I asked some of the questions you suggested. Anyway, she has agreed to return to school on a part-time basis choosing to study only the subjects that she sees as relevant (to her future). Fortunately these happen to include English, Maths and science. The authorities seem happy to go along with this. OK. I realise that none of this has actually happened yet. But things seemed positive and I sensed she has got just what she wanted, or if not that a good compromise. Your final words really went to the heart. Thank you. Sue : Great to hear the glad tidings! It sounds like a good compromise and may actually show an intelligent and brave response by your daughter to the difficulties she was facing at school. Probably the more you let go at this stage, the more she will feel she is in control and she will begin to take responsibility for what's happening to her. She's learning/experimenting. Just stick with it! Anyway, remind your daughter of her achievements and how great she is, that you appreciate her making her feelings known (!) but that you'd like to find other ways of solving them (together) in future. It's probably been a good experience for her seeing how a solution can be arrived at by sitting down and discussing it. Another milestone in the long and winding road to maturity! Good luck! Have you got a problem you'd like to talk through via email? Just ask Sue