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Guidelines for parents
with children who can be difficult to care for and control
by Gary Robinson
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Welcome to
parents who requested copies of the guidelines. Let us know how you get on on
the Motherwise Forum
These guidelines have been made available on this website as a service to
parents on the UK Parents 'High Need/Spirited Kids' Forum.
More articles on this
topic
and a
Canadian Forum |
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These guidelines are to help parents who have children who can sometimes be
difficult to control. It is a big responsibility for a child if they are in
control all of the time so they will be relieved if you can take this
responsibility back from them.
You should only use this plan if you feel comfortable and happy with it and you
are willing to try it for a minimum of three months.
This guide will help children do what you want them to do and stop them doing
things you do not want them to do.It is important that all the steps are
followed in the same order and that nothing is missed out.When you use these
guidelines regularly and your child becomes convinced that you are not going to
give in then you will be in charge and may never have to work so hard again.
However, in the first instance it means that you will have to work harder than
ever to prove to your child that things are going to be different and that you
and not your child are in control. It will be very tiring but YOU MUST NOT GIVE
UP. If you give up, it will be a big disappointment for your child as he will
have been hoping that you CAN be in charge!!
The guidelines are particularly helpful for young children but the principles
apply to older children and teenagers with very little adaptation
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CHILDREN NEED TO FEEL IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL |
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The most important rule to always keep in mind is that all children need love,
affection, praise and encouragement. Whenever your child does something well or
pleases you, you must show them that you have noticed. This can be done by
giving them a smile, a cuddle, talking to them or on very special occasions
giving them treats or presents.
Children and young people love getting lots of positive attention, especially
when they have got used to hearing that they are naughty. Once they have got
used to hearing good things about themselves it will matter more to them when
you are cross or unhappy with them.
Here are some questions to help you think about how to show your children that
you care.
- How
often do you tell them that you are pleased, proud or happy with them?
- In
what ways do you show them that you are pleased with them?
- How
much special time do you have with your children to play or talk with them?
- How
much interest do you show in their school work?
- How
much interest do you show in their hobbies and friends?
- What regular fun or
pleasure activities do you do with your child?
When a child feels cared for, loved and special it matters to them much more
when their parents are not happy with them.They then feel it is important that
they do not get in trouble.
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WHAT TO DO WHEN CHILDREN WILL NOT DO AS THEY ARE TOLD
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Carry out the following instructions step-by-step. Beforehand make sure that
your child does not have a genuine physical problem which is causing them to
behave badly. If they are hungry, sick or have been hurt and need medical
attention these rules may not work.
Step 1. When you see your chid is doing something that you want them to stop,
or is refusing to do something that you want them to do, first call them by
their name and make sure that you have eye contact with them. Then
explain to them clearly what it is that you want them to do or stop doing. Be
gentle and firm. If the child will not look at you, gently touch their arm or
leg and then for example, you might say : “John, I want you to put that
book away now please.” Make sure you have eye contact when you say the
child’s name and, if you need, touch him gently to make sure he is looking
at you whilst you tell him what you want.
Step 2. If the child does not obey, make eye contact again, repeat their name
and what you have said in Step 1 but this time say it a little louder.
Step 3. If the child continues to be naughty or disobedient repeat Step 1
again, speaking a little louder than in Step 2 and this time add a warning
about what you will do if the child does not follow your instructions.
For example, you might way “Julie, I want you to put that book away now
please. If you do not do as I say then you will have to go to your room.”
Remember never use a warning that you cannot carry through eg “If you do
not get dressed now you are not going to school.”
Step 4. If the child continues to be naughty or disobedient, then carry out
your warning. You might use the bedroom or ask the child to stand in the hall
or sit in a particular chair. Be gentle and firm. Do not shout or hurt the
child in any way and carry this out with the minimum of fuss and attention.
Step 5. Always explain to the child that they can come back if they say they
are sorry and will change their behaviou. If they do this then they can come
back straightaway from wherever they have been banished.
If the child does not want to apologise then you should tell them how long you
expect them to be banished. This should not last longer than ten minutes. For
smaller children five minutes may be enough.When that time is up, go to the
child and say that they can come back. However, warn them that if they continue
with their behaviour the same thing will happen again. Do not ask them to
apologise but if they do always give them a cuddle and say ‘well
done’.
Step 6. If the child apologises or returns to the room after 5 or 10 minutes
and again refuses to do as they are told, simply return to Step 1. Go though
all three steps before carry8ing out the banishment.Never just straight to
number 4.
Repeat Steps 1-5 as many times as is needed. Never give in, never miss out a
step and always remain calm and in control
NOTE If you child does not do as you tell them outside the home eg in
public, at a friend’s restaurant, partk, etc follow the same steps, but in
Step 3 warn them that you will remove them from the attention they are
creating.For instance, you may have to use the car park, garden, care, etc.
until they say sorry or change their behaviour.
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IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER
Do not explain to children why you have rules or justify your action when they
are very young. You must show them that you are the adult and are in charge.
You do not have to waste energy explaining your actions.
As children get older and more independent this sill change and you may wish to
explain your reason. However, this does not mean that you should start a debate
but merely that you may give a reasonable explanation about why the rules are
important.It is important that you are always calm. Never shout or scream,
never hit, push or hurt children.This would simply show them that you have lost
control and that they can dictate how you behave.
It is important that you always begin at Step 1 as soon as the child becomes
defiant. This will help the child learn that there is no point pushing things
to Step 2,3 or 4. In the end this will help them change their behaviour and be
in control of them selves. They will feel proud of themselves and when you have
achieved this you will be working less hard and achieving more.
MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE
These guidelines can be very hard to carry out and you may need lots of help
and practice. If you can use them they are guaranteed to help you to get your
children to do as they are told.
If they do not work, it is likely that one or more of the following is
happening.
To follow…..
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With thanks to Kim Papworth who brought these
guidelines to our notice and who successfully put them to the test.
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