A new career
If you are friendly and ambitious
and would like to run your own business, part or full-time, to promote a range
of beautiful cards and gift wrap direct to friends, family, local business,
schools and charity events...
We sold a million cards last Christmas and we have less than 900 Traders (Avon
has 170,000!). Some postcodes are pining for just a single Trader and we need
LOADS! Brilliant products coming up, gorgeous designs.
We need you!
See us in Woman and Home (look for the feature about working from home -
Robin's the creative drive behind the business!)
Then check us out at (link termporarily removed)
Come on in! The water's lovely!!
We love to hear from you.
Let us know your views and 'news' about Raising Girls on the new
Forum
Help us help more mums!
Tell
a friend
about Motherwise!
To leave this mailing list, just
click here. To change
your email address, click
here and send me the relevant email addresses.
Thank you to Nadine Higgins for her contribution to this
month's newsletter.
The offline publication, 'Parents' Voice', has been discontinued as Nadine is
moving to warmer climes - but we'll keep you posted should it resume
publication.
In the meantime you might like to check out Nadine's business website for soft
furnishings and home business advice
www.candlewyck.com.
Thanks also to Caroline for the link to her online diary and to Duncan for
permission to reproduce some of our email correspondence.
And last but not least to Rosjke Hasseldine whose articles on Parents and
Daughters appear on the website and to all the parents who have writen to me
c/o Motherwise.
See you next time
Sue Wentworth-Sheilds MSc MInstD FRSA
Editor and Publisher
Motherwise UK
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Hello! to all Motherwise
Subscribers
Thanks to all of you who responded to my request for feedback. It was great to
hear from you.
Today, we're celebrating with a new section on the Motherwise website and a
free book to give away for mothers of daughters.
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- A celebration of 'Raising Girls'
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Our section on 'Raising Great Kids' already
includes 'Raising Boys', 'Raising Spirited Kids' and 'Looking after your
child's emotional well-being'.
Today, we welcome 'Raising Girls', written in association with Rosjke
Hasseldine, founder of the
Counselling for
Women website.
We're also opening our brand new
forum.
Click here for
'Raising
Girls' or read on for more...
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The 'Ophelia' phenomenon started with a
controversial book called 'Ophelia Revived' which led to the foundation of the
US-based Ophelia Project and a whole raft of Clubs, Camps and similar 'spaces'
created to help daughters survive the 'girl-poisoning' US culture.
This was followed by 'Ophelia Speaks', a compilation of teen voices, written by
a teen whose therapist mother, Nina, went on to produce 'Ophelia's Mom'. This
book, subtitled, "Women Speak Out About Loving and Letting Go of their
Adolescent Daughters" is a collection of more than 100 stories written by
mothers recounting the pain, betrayals and conflict they have experienced and
the solutions they have found.
To help us celebrate the launch of 'Raising Girls', we have a copy of the UK
edition of 'Ophelia's Mum' to give away (published in July of this year),
thanks to publisher Vermilion, part of the Random House Group. "It's a
book every good mother deserves." says the author's daughter.
If you'd like to enter the free draw, just click
here and send your snail mail
address together with your answer to this question :
Our recommended books refer to the names 'Ophelia' and 'Persephone'. What
is the name of the father of each of these characters?
You can find out more about these teenage characters here :
Ophelia
Persephone
Find our more about the Ophelia phenomenon on the
Raising
Girls.
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- Additional resources for you
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We have more 'lifesaving' books for mums listed
on the website. And we haven't forgotten the importance of fathers in their
daughters' lives, too.
Our favourite book on Raising Girls is Virginia Beane Rutter's 'Embracing
Persephone'
We've also discovered a great magazine for girls from New Moon.
For personal support, we recommend :
Counselling for Women -
'couples' counselling for mothers and daughters
Brilliantissimo -
coaching services and resources for midlife mothers.
The Motherwise
Forum - new forum for Motherwise Subscribers to share experiences and ask
questions. You'll find all this and more on
Raising Girls
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There really is life after teens - for mothers,
fathers AND daughters.
A parent asks : "I have a 16 year old daughter who has been nothing but
trouble from the age of 12. She has stayed out nights, sometimes on the street.
She drinks, she has been a drug abuser, and has even abused me physically. She
moved out of our home at 15 to go and live with a 21 year old boyfriend. I have
contacted every authority I could possibly think of, including the law and
social services, all to no avail.
My daughter is now back home but seeing a 25 year old. She doesn't go to
school, and refuses to go, but I'm the one the welfare asks to walk her to
school. How can I when she is so violent with me? I have even looked into her
going into care but was told she would soon be 16.
I am so desperate. Can anyone help me?"
We have an answer for you from Nadine Higgins, Editor of Parents' Voice,
an off-line newsletter which was created by a mum who had a similar experience.
"This sounds like the kind of hell a lot of parents go through with
angry teenagers. Unfortunately, there is no short-cut or miracle but the key is
usually improving communication. Avoiding confrontation and conflict will help
: yelling and shouting isn't effective so it's best to avoid this if possible.
Any opportunity to build bridges is a bonus - after a row, for example. It's
especially hard on single parents because they have no back up in this
situation.
The most positive thing I can say is that my own daughter went from being the
worst teenager imaginable to an absolute sweetheart. She is truly wonderful
now, went on to study law and recently passed all her exams.
It's hard but don't stop loving them and NEVER give up on them. They do change.
For your own sanity, try to find a friend, a non-judgmental ally, who will
help you understand that you are doing your best and are supported."
Motherwise adds : "You could also try home education - this was the
solution chosen by one single parent we talked to. His truanting daughter
responded well to not 'having' to go to school and immediately took
responsibility for her own learning.
You don't need to do anything except inform the school that you intend
educating her at home. She can always go back to full time education later by
attending college. School is sometimes just too stressful for some
children."
Duncan is a single dad
who turned to Motherwise when he found himself in similar situation. After a
period of email coaching, he wrote : "This is to thank you for your
words of guidance and help this year. I had no idea that "Home
Education" was an option, or legal, or didn't involve great expense. But
how well it has all worked out these last 6 months. J is studying well using
the internet as a resource, has just requested a Maths book for Christmas,
works part time and for free at a local nursery (her idea), has just appeared
on stage with her drama group at the local theatre. Great for only six months.
All the best and thank you again."
Check out Caroline's diary (the link is on the website). Caroline is a
homeworking mum of a pre-teen. She, too, decided to turn to home education to
solve her daughter's problems. Read about the decision and transition 'as it
happened'
Finally, make your best efforts to ensure your headstrong daughter is clued up
about contraception and safe sex. (Information about the law and girls under 16
plus sources of advice are on the Motherwise website.)You'll find all
this and more on
Raising
Girls
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A parent asks : "How do we handle
anorexia in our adult daughter? We feel in despair after many years of this.
She's 35, lives on crisps and cigarettes but has sole responsibility for a
child of her own. She's already kicked a drink habit through AA but won't
listen to us as she sees us as trying to control her life."
Motherwise replies : "My experience with this kind of situation is that
there is absolutely nothing that anyone can 'do'. Part of the complex
relationship between parent and child may actually be about the child wanting
to cause feelings of despair and helplessness in the parents (sometimes because
that's exactly how the daughter feels).
Although there are a variety of theories, I believe that anorexia in girls is
linked with rebellion against their parents. Issues of control are always
uppermost. It's also a reflection of misguided self-perception (she probably
truly believes she sees a fat person in the mirror and that her appearance is
to blame for anything that's missing in her life). In younger girls, it usually
has some link with (not) becoming a woman. By the time a young woman reaches
her mid-30s, it's become a habitual response to the challenges of life.
It's a very complicated and tangled business as any advice given by parents
will cause her to rebel and do the opposite just 'on principle' - although she
may not have any conscious awareness that this is what she is doing.
The only person who can 'do' anything is your daughter. She clearly has the
strength of character to make choices eg having kicked the drink habit through
AA - that's a very hopeful sign.
A couple of thoughts for the despairing...
1. See what's happening in her life. If anything in particular has sparked the
current downslide, offer sympathy for how she is feeling rather than asking her
to change the way she is handling it or blaming her for what led to it and/or
you could try to take away the burden of responsibility for the problems (e.g.
if something has gone wrong and she is feeling guilty or there are practical
things to do which she can't handle, however small or insignificant, right down
to putting a letter in an envelope and putting a stamp on it!!). What are her
'tolerations' - can you remove some of them for her for a time?
Could you offer her a holiday somewhere where others can look after her so she
can 'get away' from it all without having to 'take herself away' from it all by
starving herself to death, (e.g. a health farm or a retreat - but without
interfering to the extent of priming the 'host' about her personal problems).
2. As with many things, anorexia is dealt with in different areas of the
country with differing levels of competence and resources. If there is nothing
locally, I suggest providing her with information, but avoid at all costs
advising her what to do (even avoid telling her to do something/anything).
3. Finally, the nicest, most 'supportive' people can be insidiously destructive
as parents and they just don't know it until the dynamics of their
relationships are explored in depth. It's not a reason for a guilt trip, but
just an indication that being consciously alert to their own impact on the
parent-daughter relationship can help parents build bridges in the longer term.
Check out the website for
self-help
for eating disorders
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